Illusions

The first dance. Some have been lighthearted and fun. Others are traditional and stuffy. Most are sweet and lovely. Ours, well, you'll just have to wait and see. I was thinking about the song we've chosen. It took a while to agree on a song. We had agreed on a few songs before but we kept changing our minds. And finally we found it. The One. THE song. Illusions by Matt Nathanson.

Times are difficult right now. We're both still in a fog from the loss of his mom and my dad. Wedding plans do not come so easily when key members of the family are no longer a part of them. I feel like things are at a stand still. I have a list of things to do but I can't seem to find the motivation to complete them. I'm having a difficult time moving on in life.

It's no secret that I've been sad and melancholy. The support I've been seeking from places I thought I'd surely find it has turned up bare. Friends are not always friends in troubled times. I'm all too familar with the "fair weather friend."

Kevin is amazing. I know all the ladies say that of their men. But he really is. He's taken all of this in stride. He loves me unconditionally. And he's always there to wipe my tears and the streaked mascara from my eyes. He holds me and reassures me that things will get better.

Today was a particularly difficult day. My cousin on my dad's side has bone cancer. He is 13 years old. Before his diagnosis he was bright and full of life and very active, participating in sports and school activities. He's very intelligent. He loves learning. Unfortunately, he's missing out on his first year of high school. He's spending much of his time in the hospital. He underwent surgery last year to remove the cancer in his leg. He had an artificial knee surgically insertered. He's been undergoing chemotherapy. It makes him quite sick, as these medications tend to do. Today he had surgery again on his knee. He's been battling an infection for some time. The doctor decided it was time to open him up and clean it out. It was worse than they expected. All the knee components had to be removed. A temporary rod was put in its place. He has to finish his last few chemotherapy treatments and clear of infection. When that's done, the doctor will go back in and insert a new knee. If they can't get the infection controlled, they may have to amputate his leg.

This is quite a blow to our family, let alone him. I can only imagine what he's going through. And even then, I'm sure it's nothing compared to the reality of it all. Our prayers are with him and his family. There are no words. Like I said, it's tough times. I really wish my dad were here. He would know exactly what to say and do. He would be at my cousin's side in a moment. He would tell him what he needed to hear in just the right way. And everything would be better. But that won't happen now. And I cry a little. Well, more than a little.

And when I do, Kevin is there. The first song is so perfect for us. So I thought I'd share our first dance with you all. Well, the lyrics anyway.

I believe in your strength
Though I understand you've felt alone
'Cause when you need a friend
There's no one strong to fall back on
And your past will still burden you
But I'll hold you through the pain

So in the end it's not just you
With your memories and your scars
Fall on me if you ever forget
How beautiful you are

I believe in your words and your eyes
And when you speak of your dreams I realize
That I will envy whoever you
Give your heart to

So in the end it's not just you
With your memories and your scars
Fall on me if you ever forget
How beautiful you are

And I will never let you fade away
And I want you to know that I love you
For all you are
And all that you will be

So in the end it's not just you
With your memories and your scars
Fall on me if you ever forget
How beautiful you are.
Of course, this is true for Kevin as well. I am there for him as he is there for me. And we lean on each other. The best of friends and sweetest of lovers. Alone, we could not stand as strong. Neither of us alone is perfect in any way but together we are one complete and perfect set. And this is how we survive and thrive. Through the strength and love of each other.

Good-Bye 2010

December.

It was a busy month for us. Kevin's 30th birthday and Christmas, and then New Year's Eve. It's been hectic.

We had a pretty good time, though. For Kevin's birthday we started the day early at the Toys-4-Tots parade   with the Great Lakes Jeep Thing (the Jeep club Kevin's  in). We decorated each of our Jeeps and drove down the the Marine base where they were taking the donations.

I left directly from there and drove to Zion to spend time with the Valdez family. That's my dad's family. Every year we have an ornament exchange. It was good to see everyone. Some of them I hadn't seen in ages. Some not since the funeral. It was a bit awkward but still good to see everyone. The food was great of course. Nikki did a great job and her house is just lovely.

From there I drove to Chicago to meet Kevin at his sister's house. Aidan wanted to blow out a birthday candle with Uncle. He's so darn cute. Megan too. She's just starting to warm up to us. We had some brownies and then headed out for Kevin's birthday celebration. Karen and Tom couldn't make it because the weather was supposed to be so awful their babysitter couldn't make it.

Kingston Mines was our destination. It's a blues bar. It's rather unique, actually. The bar is split in half. Two bands play all night. But they take turns. One band plays on the right stage and another on the left. The rooms are kind of divided. So technically if you want to see both bands play you have to hop back and forth between the rooms. We ended up staying in one place because we were so settled and the boys had their beers and things in place. Quite a few of his friends showed up. It was nice. He got to spend good time with them. I was feeling a little sore from my ankle/foot injury so I sat down on a bench. No sooner had I sat down did the band begin to start again. A flood of people from the next room came in and asked to sit with me on the bench. It was a group of 6 aging from 65 to 48. They were fun. And talkative. And drunk. The youngest of the group was a nice couple that had just started dating. They talked to me for a good 45 minutes. They were quite cute together. I had that moment as many designated drivers do when you look around at all the intoxicated people and can't help but laugh at their absurdness. I was so entertained. And the music was great, too.

We took off from there and headed home around 2 or 3 in the morning. All in all he had a great birthday.

Christmas arrived seemingly without warning. We jumped from one event right to the next. Christmas Eve we spent with the Croak side, my mom's side. It was nice but sad. I missed my dad quite a bit. I knew it was going to be a difficult evening. We all miss him. We ended up leaving a little early. I was so tired from working the night before and still fighting a cold. I can't seem to stay healthy for very long this winter. Santa did not bring me a better immune system, unfortunately. Christmas morning came and we went to my mom's house for 5:30am to have our annual Cinnabon and open stocking presents before Mom had to go to work. It was nice but still we missed Dad a lot. No one really spoke of it but it was definitely in the air.

We took a little nap and then got up to have Christmas with Kevin's family. Santa came and brought quite a load. The kids were excited. Megan wandered from one gift to the next slowly tearing pieces of Christmas wrap off of various gifts. Kevin got a lot of gift cards for Cabela's where he wanted to get his smoker. I got a great coffee/tea/cocoa maker. It's perfect. And a bunch of coffees and teas, too.

Christmas night we were both scheduled to work. Just as I was walking out the door for work, I received the phone call. I was on call all night. Peds was closed. Kevin still had to go in, though. We took a little nap before he had to go. It was pleasant.

Because of work schedules being insane, we didn't have Christmas with my immediate family until Monday after Christmas. It was still nice. Kevin got a watch he's been wanting for ages. I got a great camera (and it's even pink - but not crazy girl pink, light pink). Mom cried when we gave her the bear figure with the light. It was very special. And we all cried when Diane gave us the replica dog tags for Dad. I haven't had the strength to take them out of the box yet.

From there we found ourselves just upon the eve of New Year's Eve. We were both working so we ended up going out on a date on Thursday. It was nice. We enjoyed spending some time together. Then New Year's Eve came and we talked to each other for the count down. It wasn't the most ideal situation to ring in the new year but it worked. He spent the night fighting a drunk and I cared for a very sick woman just on her death bed. This is the last New Year's for her. It was a very rough night for both of us.

And now it's January. I can hardly believe it. A friend of mine is getting married in May. She mentioned that it's no longer, "I'm getting married next year but rather, I'm getting married in May." And it hit me. We're getting married this year. It's no longer a year away. It's months away. Granted it's quite a few months. But like these past few months, they will fly by with the blink of an eye. And we'll be upon the eve of our wedding day. Weird. That butterfly in my stomach goes crazy flitting about when I think of it.

Plans haven't progressed much since Christmas took so much of our time. But I'll jump back into things by mid week. Sad to say, I still have a few straggling save-the-dates to send out. I'm not as organized as I'd like you to believe.

Well, Happy New Year to you and yours. May this year bring much love and luck!

Snail Mail

The Save the Dates went out Monday. I've already heard some of you received them. That was fast. We hope you like them. There was a lot of effort put in to them. We're looking forward to getting the invitations next. We're really excited and hope you all are, too.

We've been very busy with the wedding plans. Right now we're setting up interviews for a few reverends. We'll see how that goes. The one we originally wanted is already booked. We waited too long to get in touch with him. Bummer. But that's okay. We'll find another one.

The photographer has been hired. He's a super nice guy named Warren. His work is just gorgeous. We added a second photographer to capture more of the moment. I want the photo of me walking down the aisle and the look on Kevin's face when he sees me. I'm hoping he'll be surprised and happy.

Next up, a few surprise items. We'll see if we can afford them first. And then we'll start working on the invitation stuff. Yay!

Play it Again, Sam

We love music. It's a big part of our lives. We're constantly playing music. If it were up to me, the television would be off and the music would be on more. I used to fall asleep to music at night. Now we generally fall asleep as soon as our heads hit the pillow.

So when we decided to hire a DJ I didn't think much of it. I was rather excited to be picking out music for the wedding. Until I realized how much music there is and how ridiculously difficult it is to find a song just to walk down the ailse to. UGH! Song after song. Hours and hours for weeks on end, and finally it happened. We actually agreed on a song. Two songs actually. The bridesmaids will walk to one song and I'll walk to another song. And they're both beautiful. Whew! So that's done. We easily picked a recessional song. That was a breeze for some reason. Now, I'm thinking there may be a few moments in the ceremony when we have a few key things going on that we'd like to have some nice music playing. I need to get in touch with the DJ again.

Speaking of the DJ, he should be pretty awesome. Well, actually, there will be two of them. There's one running the sound equipment. Then we'll have one that's actually getting the crowd involved and coordinating everything. I'm so excited. The owner of the company is going to take the lead on things. So it's gotta be good, right?

We've started compiling our Do Not Play List. Some of you will be disappointed. If you make a good case, we'll be open to changing our minds. But so far we're thinking:

The Electric Slide, Cha-Cha Slide, or anyother goofy slide
The Chicken Dance
The Hokey Pokey
Albequerque (This is not open for discussion, Kevin!)

Well, that's it for now. We do want people to have fun. There's other things we can do. We are hoping to do the Time Warp! Yay!

There's tons of music we have yet to think of. Of course, they'll be taking requests. We won't plan everything but we want a few key songs played.

Being Thankful

Thanksgiving is over. In some ways I am relieved and in others I am sad. I love spending time with the whole family. But it was stressful. It's the first big holiday without Dad. I still wait to hear from him sometimes. That phone call right before I go to work checking in on me always cheered me up. Somehow he always knew when I needed to talk to him but hadn't quite gotten it together to call him yet. He was great in that way.

I said to Kevin this morning that I don't know how he survived the loss of his mom. His relationship with her was similar in some regards to mine with my dad. I still feel like there's a big gaping hole in the middle of my chest and abdomen. As if there was a great blow to my belly and all that's left is this void. Most of you will probably make fun of me for this but I don't care... Bella in the Twilight series describes the loss of her love similarly. She clutches herself tightly to keep herself together. I thought that was rather dramatic and kind of silly. But I get it now. Sometimes, it's all I can do to keep from collapsing. The nightmares have stopped, finally. When I close my eyes, I no longer see the image of a strong arms compressing Dad's chest or the deep purple of his face so lifeless on the gurney. I don't feel the heat from his hands slowly growing cold. Now, I hear his jubilant laugh. I feel the big bear hugs he used to give. Which, incidentally, my brother Kris has the best next to Dad's. A good substitution I think.

I was very thankful for my Uncle Larry's remembrance of those we lost recently, including his own mother and my father and my Uncle Spike's mother, during the prayer before our Thanksgiving feast. It was touching.  Of course, I cried. I do that a lot lately. Poor Kevin. He has greatly improved in his tear-wiping abilities. Mom is so strong. I don't know where it comes from or how she does it. I envy her. I know she has her moments, though. I think I just wear my heart on my sleeve. I do apologize to my those around me. Kevin says I'll always feel like I've been hit by a truck but eventually the truck gets smaller.

Thanksgiving with the Croaks was great. The food was amazing. We missed Grandma and Grandpa, and the Mitchell's and Jones'. I'm thankful all the cousins could make it back from school safely to be with the family. I really missed my brother, though. He went with his girlfriend to her family's house. Not having Dad there was weird and difficult, but expected.  Not having my brother was bizarre, making me feel slightly off. It was a strange feeling. I didn't like it.

Friday we had Thanksgiving with the Booth family. It was equally delicious. Karen and Tom are great hosts. The kids were very entertaining. Megan is sick. They had actually spent Thanksgiving at Lutheran's emergency department. They believe she has roseola. She's already doing better, though. She laughed and played. She's walking now. We just need her to practice with a basket of flowers. I suppose that can wait a few more months.
I was so spent from the night's shopping, though, I was a horrible guest. I passed out in the chair while icing my ankle. We made it an early night. I slept and slept and slept. And finally I felt rested but worn. If that makes any sense.

I'm sure I speak for both of us when I say we're very thankful for our families. And friends, of course. Without you all we wouldn't be where we are today. We are thankful for the love and support you've given us. We can't wait to share our wedding day with you all.

Save the Date!

September 2, 2011. It's a Friday. Mark your calendars. It's going to be a great big wonderful party. Kevin and I are getting married. Yay! I'm really excited. And I think he is too. The best part is talking with some of our friends and seeing how excited they are about the wedding. It just makes things that much better.

The Save-the-Dates are in and they look fantastic! I'm so happy with them. We heard about this site, Etsy, from some other brides that like to do things a little differently and a little more affordably. Etsy has tons of other things as well. If you get a chance, check out the site. It's pretty nifty! I ordered our engagement photos. They also came in. Everyone will be getting a 4x6. Thanks to Aunt Carolyn Withem for the photo! It was a candid photo taken the day after my father's funeral. It turned out perfect. It was just what we had been looking for in a photo. We had originally wanted some professional photos done in an actual photo shoot. That didn't work out. This was just a happy accident. Don't get me wrong, my aunt is awesome. She's totally great at photography. I'm not trying to downplay her abilities.

Well, back to what I was saying. We're also going to send out a brochure for Pheasant Run Resort. That's where the wedding and reception will be. It's a gorgeous place if you haven't been. There's so much to do as well. I'm really happy with our choice. It's right in St. Charles, close to the downtown area, if I'm not mistaken.

There will be so much to do if people decide to spend the weekend there with us. It is Labor Day weekend. So hopefully people won't have vacation plans already. Or maybe this can be their vacation plan!
The resort has three restaurants ranging in fanciness. There's a comedy club and a theater for shows. The pool is great. It's an indoor/outdoor. I had never seen one before. For those of you as sheltered as me, it's an indoor pool and you can swim under this partition to get to the outside. Now, September varies in temperature. It'll be the very beginning of the month so hopefully it's still warm enough to enjoy the water outside. We'll see, though.

Kevin and I are really hoping that our out of town guests will be able to spend some time with us. The thought is the morning after the wedding we'll have breakfast in the hotel. Anyone that wants to join us may. From there we'll see what people want to do. There's a beautiful golf course there. And I hear it's a pretty decent course. The guys are talking about going golfing. For the girls, there's a Mario Tricoci Salon. We could get massages or mani/pedis or whatever. If nothing else, we'll head in to the downtown area for some shopping. Mostly, I think I want to stay at the resort, though. I'm sure we'll find a way to entertain ourselves. The pool is a nice option as well. If you're bringing your kids, there's a game room to entertain them. Pretty sweet.

Things are coming along. We're just trying to get everything in order in a timely fashion. In some regards we're ahead of the game on things but in others we're a bit behind. My one girlfriend keeps telling me that if I plan everything now, I won't have anything to do next year before the wedding. I don't know about you, but that sounds pretty awesome. I don't want to worry about all these things at the last minute. There will be plenty to do then, anyway.

So, look for your Save-the-Dates to be arriving shortly. Formal invitations will follow. And please mark your calendars! We want you there!

Boxes Galore

On this past Veteran's Day, we moved out of our apartment and in with Kevin's dad. We've taken over the basement. It's a finished basement. There had been a couple floods from the power going out a couple times in the past few years so there was no carpeting. Wednesday before the move, Lowe's contractors came in and put some awesome carpeting down in the bedroom and the living space. AND they did the stairs. They weren't supposed to but they did anyway. Bonus!

Because of my tendon rupture, stairs are pretty tough. We agreed to hire movers. We went with Hillstrom Movers. They're a family owned place. First of all, the office lady, Bobbi, was a blessing. She seriously helped me figure out what we needed and calmed me down when I thought I was going to jump out the window. When the movers actually showed up on Thursday, they were so great and efficient. So efficient, they actually packed up our dirty clothes hamper that we had planned on bringing ourselves because who wants to move dirty laundry. They were great. Highly recommend them. It was a better deal than any of the other movers I found.

So now we're in the basement. There's boxes as far as the eye can see. Seriously, we packed a million boxes and sent them to storage. I think the boxes are making boxes in the night when we're not looking. We set up the bedroom. Minor issue. The movers kept the frame. See, we got rid of the old bed and took Kevin's sister's old bed. The movers wanted to donate the bed to a local church, which was great. But they misunderstood what we were saying about the frame. So now we have a box spring and mattress on the floor. Not a big deal but there goes storage space under the bed until we can get another frame.

The living room is a soft yet warm yellow. Kevin painted the bedroom a nice shade of blue. Both rooms look fantastic with the brown carpeting. The furniture we have is mostly vintage. While cleaning up, Mr. Booth told us we could use this old coffee table and corner table. It dates back to about the '20's. It's a little beat up but it adds character. We love how it goes with everything. My favorite chair is this velvety burnt orange rocker with ottoman. I'm going to move some furniture around tonight to make room for it.

We're hoping with in the next couple weeks we'll be able to have people over. Once everything is settled, we'll hang the wall art. Which is my favorite part. Finding a home for things is my least favorite part right now.

One by one, we're emptying out boxes and getting things put away, though. Hopefully, we'll be set by Thanksgiving. Fingers crossed!