Illusions

The first dance. Some have been lighthearted and fun. Others are traditional and stuffy. Most are sweet and lovely. Ours, well, you'll just have to wait and see. I was thinking about the song we've chosen. It took a while to agree on a song. We had agreed on a few songs before but we kept changing our minds. And finally we found it. The One. THE song. Illusions by Matt Nathanson.

Times are difficult right now. We're both still in a fog from the loss of his mom and my dad. Wedding plans do not come so easily when key members of the family are no longer a part of them. I feel like things are at a stand still. I have a list of things to do but I can't seem to find the motivation to complete them. I'm having a difficult time moving on in life.

It's no secret that I've been sad and melancholy. The support I've been seeking from places I thought I'd surely find it has turned up bare. Friends are not always friends in troubled times. I'm all too familar with the "fair weather friend."

Kevin is amazing. I know all the ladies say that of their men. But he really is. He's taken all of this in stride. He loves me unconditionally. And he's always there to wipe my tears and the streaked mascara from my eyes. He holds me and reassures me that things will get better.

Today was a particularly difficult day. My cousin on my dad's side has bone cancer. He is 13 years old. Before his diagnosis he was bright and full of life and very active, participating in sports and school activities. He's very intelligent. He loves learning. Unfortunately, he's missing out on his first year of high school. He's spending much of his time in the hospital. He underwent surgery last year to remove the cancer in his leg. He had an artificial knee surgically insertered. He's been undergoing chemotherapy. It makes him quite sick, as these medications tend to do. Today he had surgery again on his knee. He's been battling an infection for some time. The doctor decided it was time to open him up and clean it out. It was worse than they expected. All the knee components had to be removed. A temporary rod was put in its place. He has to finish his last few chemotherapy treatments and clear of infection. When that's done, the doctor will go back in and insert a new knee. If they can't get the infection controlled, they may have to amputate his leg.

This is quite a blow to our family, let alone him. I can only imagine what he's going through. And even then, I'm sure it's nothing compared to the reality of it all. Our prayers are with him and his family. There are no words. Like I said, it's tough times. I really wish my dad were here. He would know exactly what to say and do. He would be at my cousin's side in a moment. He would tell him what he needed to hear in just the right way. And everything would be better. But that won't happen now. And I cry a little. Well, more than a little.

And when I do, Kevin is there. The first song is so perfect for us. So I thought I'd share our first dance with you all. Well, the lyrics anyway.

I believe in your strength
Though I understand you've felt alone
'Cause when you need a friend
There's no one strong to fall back on
And your past will still burden you
But I'll hold you through the pain

So in the end it's not just you
With your memories and your scars
Fall on me if you ever forget
How beautiful you are

I believe in your words and your eyes
And when you speak of your dreams I realize
That I will envy whoever you
Give your heart to

So in the end it's not just you
With your memories and your scars
Fall on me if you ever forget
How beautiful you are

And I will never let you fade away
And I want you to know that I love you
For all you are
And all that you will be

So in the end it's not just you
With your memories and your scars
Fall on me if you ever forget
How beautiful you are.
Of course, this is true for Kevin as well. I am there for him as he is there for me. And we lean on each other. The best of friends and sweetest of lovers. Alone, we could not stand as strong. Neither of us alone is perfect in any way but together we are one complete and perfect set. And this is how we survive and thrive. Through the strength and love of each other.

Good-Bye 2010

December.

It was a busy month for us. Kevin's 30th birthday and Christmas, and then New Year's Eve. It's been hectic.

We had a pretty good time, though. For Kevin's birthday we started the day early at the Toys-4-Tots parade   with the Great Lakes Jeep Thing (the Jeep club Kevin's  in). We decorated each of our Jeeps and drove down the the Marine base where they were taking the donations.

I left directly from there and drove to Zion to spend time with the Valdez family. That's my dad's family. Every year we have an ornament exchange. It was good to see everyone. Some of them I hadn't seen in ages. Some not since the funeral. It was a bit awkward but still good to see everyone. The food was great of course. Nikki did a great job and her house is just lovely.

From there I drove to Chicago to meet Kevin at his sister's house. Aidan wanted to blow out a birthday candle with Uncle. He's so darn cute. Megan too. She's just starting to warm up to us. We had some brownies and then headed out for Kevin's birthday celebration. Karen and Tom couldn't make it because the weather was supposed to be so awful their babysitter couldn't make it.

Kingston Mines was our destination. It's a blues bar. It's rather unique, actually. The bar is split in half. Two bands play all night. But they take turns. One band plays on the right stage and another on the left. The rooms are kind of divided. So technically if you want to see both bands play you have to hop back and forth between the rooms. We ended up staying in one place because we were so settled and the boys had their beers and things in place. Quite a few of his friends showed up. It was nice. He got to spend good time with them. I was feeling a little sore from my ankle/foot injury so I sat down on a bench. No sooner had I sat down did the band begin to start again. A flood of people from the next room came in and asked to sit with me on the bench. It was a group of 6 aging from 65 to 48. They were fun. And talkative. And drunk. The youngest of the group was a nice couple that had just started dating. They talked to me for a good 45 minutes. They were quite cute together. I had that moment as many designated drivers do when you look around at all the intoxicated people and can't help but laugh at their absurdness. I was so entertained. And the music was great, too.

We took off from there and headed home around 2 or 3 in the morning. All in all he had a great birthday.

Christmas arrived seemingly without warning. We jumped from one event right to the next. Christmas Eve we spent with the Croak side, my mom's side. It was nice but sad. I missed my dad quite a bit. I knew it was going to be a difficult evening. We all miss him. We ended up leaving a little early. I was so tired from working the night before and still fighting a cold. I can't seem to stay healthy for very long this winter. Santa did not bring me a better immune system, unfortunately. Christmas morning came and we went to my mom's house for 5:30am to have our annual Cinnabon and open stocking presents before Mom had to go to work. It was nice but still we missed Dad a lot. No one really spoke of it but it was definitely in the air.

We took a little nap and then got up to have Christmas with Kevin's family. Santa came and brought quite a load. The kids were excited. Megan wandered from one gift to the next slowly tearing pieces of Christmas wrap off of various gifts. Kevin got a lot of gift cards for Cabela's where he wanted to get his smoker. I got a great coffee/tea/cocoa maker. It's perfect. And a bunch of coffees and teas, too.

Christmas night we were both scheduled to work. Just as I was walking out the door for work, I received the phone call. I was on call all night. Peds was closed. Kevin still had to go in, though. We took a little nap before he had to go. It was pleasant.

Because of work schedules being insane, we didn't have Christmas with my immediate family until Monday after Christmas. It was still nice. Kevin got a watch he's been wanting for ages. I got a great camera (and it's even pink - but not crazy girl pink, light pink). Mom cried when we gave her the bear figure with the light. It was very special. And we all cried when Diane gave us the replica dog tags for Dad. I haven't had the strength to take them out of the box yet.

From there we found ourselves just upon the eve of New Year's Eve. We were both working so we ended up going out on a date on Thursday. It was nice. We enjoyed spending some time together. Then New Year's Eve came and we talked to each other for the count down. It wasn't the most ideal situation to ring in the new year but it worked. He spent the night fighting a drunk and I cared for a very sick woman just on her death bed. This is the last New Year's for her. It was a very rough night for both of us.

And now it's January. I can hardly believe it. A friend of mine is getting married in May. She mentioned that it's no longer, "I'm getting married next year but rather, I'm getting married in May." And it hit me. We're getting married this year. It's no longer a year away. It's months away. Granted it's quite a few months. But like these past few months, they will fly by with the blink of an eye. And we'll be upon the eve of our wedding day. Weird. That butterfly in my stomach goes crazy flitting about when I think of it.

Plans haven't progressed much since Christmas took so much of our time. But I'll jump back into things by mid week. Sad to say, I still have a few straggling save-the-dates to send out. I'm not as organized as I'd like you to believe.

Well, Happy New Year to you and yours. May this year bring much love and luck!