Illusions

The first dance. Some have been lighthearted and fun. Others are traditional and stuffy. Most are sweet and lovely. Ours, well, you'll just have to wait and see. I was thinking about the song we've chosen. It took a while to agree on a song. We had agreed on a few songs before but we kept changing our minds. And finally we found it. The One. THE song. Illusions by Matt Nathanson.

Times are difficult right now. We're both still in a fog from the loss of his mom and my dad. Wedding plans do not come so easily when key members of the family are no longer a part of them. I feel like things are at a stand still. I have a list of things to do but I can't seem to find the motivation to complete them. I'm having a difficult time moving on in life.

It's no secret that I've been sad and melancholy. The support I've been seeking from places I thought I'd surely find it has turned up bare. Friends are not always friends in troubled times. I'm all too familar with the "fair weather friend."

Kevin is amazing. I know all the ladies say that of their men. But he really is. He's taken all of this in stride. He loves me unconditionally. And he's always there to wipe my tears and the streaked mascara from my eyes. He holds me and reassures me that things will get better.

Today was a particularly difficult day. My cousin on my dad's side has bone cancer. He is 13 years old. Before his diagnosis he was bright and full of life and very active, participating in sports and school activities. He's very intelligent. He loves learning. Unfortunately, he's missing out on his first year of high school. He's spending much of his time in the hospital. He underwent surgery last year to remove the cancer in his leg. He had an artificial knee surgically insertered. He's been undergoing chemotherapy. It makes him quite sick, as these medications tend to do. Today he had surgery again on his knee. He's been battling an infection for some time. The doctor decided it was time to open him up and clean it out. It was worse than they expected. All the knee components had to be removed. A temporary rod was put in its place. He has to finish his last few chemotherapy treatments and clear of infection. When that's done, the doctor will go back in and insert a new knee. If they can't get the infection controlled, they may have to amputate his leg.

This is quite a blow to our family, let alone him. I can only imagine what he's going through. And even then, I'm sure it's nothing compared to the reality of it all. Our prayers are with him and his family. There are no words. Like I said, it's tough times. I really wish my dad were here. He would know exactly what to say and do. He would be at my cousin's side in a moment. He would tell him what he needed to hear in just the right way. And everything would be better. But that won't happen now. And I cry a little. Well, more than a little.

And when I do, Kevin is there. The first song is so perfect for us. So I thought I'd share our first dance with you all. Well, the lyrics anyway.

I believe in your strength
Though I understand you've felt alone
'Cause when you need a friend
There's no one strong to fall back on
And your past will still burden you
But I'll hold you through the pain

So in the end it's not just you
With your memories and your scars
Fall on me if you ever forget
How beautiful you are

I believe in your words and your eyes
And when you speak of your dreams I realize
That I will envy whoever you
Give your heart to

So in the end it's not just you
With your memories and your scars
Fall on me if you ever forget
How beautiful you are

And I will never let you fade away
And I want you to know that I love you
For all you are
And all that you will be

So in the end it's not just you
With your memories and your scars
Fall on me if you ever forget
How beautiful you are.
Of course, this is true for Kevin as well. I am there for him as he is there for me. And we lean on each other. The best of friends and sweetest of lovers. Alone, we could not stand as strong. Neither of us alone is perfect in any way but together we are one complete and perfect set. And this is how we survive and thrive. Through the strength and love of each other.