Being Thankful

Thanksgiving is over. In some ways I am relieved and in others I am sad. I love spending time with the whole family. But it was stressful. It's the first big holiday without Dad. I still wait to hear from him sometimes. That phone call right before I go to work checking in on me always cheered me up. Somehow he always knew when I needed to talk to him but hadn't quite gotten it together to call him yet. He was great in that way.

I said to Kevin this morning that I don't know how he survived the loss of his mom. His relationship with her was similar in some regards to mine with my dad. I still feel like there's a big gaping hole in the middle of my chest and abdomen. As if there was a great blow to my belly and all that's left is this void. Most of you will probably make fun of me for this but I don't care... Bella in the Twilight series describes the loss of her love similarly. She clutches herself tightly to keep herself together. I thought that was rather dramatic and kind of silly. But I get it now. Sometimes, it's all I can do to keep from collapsing. The nightmares have stopped, finally. When I close my eyes, I no longer see the image of a strong arms compressing Dad's chest or the deep purple of his face so lifeless on the gurney. I don't feel the heat from his hands slowly growing cold. Now, I hear his jubilant laugh. I feel the big bear hugs he used to give. Which, incidentally, my brother Kris has the best next to Dad's. A good substitution I think.

I was very thankful for my Uncle Larry's remembrance of those we lost recently, including his own mother and my father and my Uncle Spike's mother, during the prayer before our Thanksgiving feast. It was touching.  Of course, I cried. I do that a lot lately. Poor Kevin. He has greatly improved in his tear-wiping abilities. Mom is so strong. I don't know where it comes from or how she does it. I envy her. I know she has her moments, though. I think I just wear my heart on my sleeve. I do apologize to my those around me. Kevin says I'll always feel like I've been hit by a truck but eventually the truck gets smaller.

Thanksgiving with the Croaks was great. The food was amazing. We missed Grandma and Grandpa, and the Mitchell's and Jones'. I'm thankful all the cousins could make it back from school safely to be with the family. I really missed my brother, though. He went with his girlfriend to her family's house. Not having Dad there was weird and difficult, but expected.  Not having my brother was bizarre, making me feel slightly off. It was a strange feeling. I didn't like it.

Friday we had Thanksgiving with the Booth family. It was equally delicious. Karen and Tom are great hosts. The kids were very entertaining. Megan is sick. They had actually spent Thanksgiving at Lutheran's emergency department. They believe she has roseola. She's already doing better, though. She laughed and played. She's walking now. We just need her to practice with a basket of flowers. I suppose that can wait a few more months.
I was so spent from the night's shopping, though, I was a horrible guest. I passed out in the chair while icing my ankle. We made it an early night. I slept and slept and slept. And finally I felt rested but worn. If that makes any sense.

I'm sure I speak for both of us when I say we're very thankful for our families. And friends, of course. Without you all we wouldn't be where we are today. We are thankful for the love and support you've given us. We can't wait to share our wedding day with you all.